“”Hey,” I say, “can someone slide this hook out of my ass? I want down from here.””
Yep, it’s that kind of book. If it sounds bizarre then you’re on the right track – Cameron Pierce’s Ass Goblins Of Auschwitz is a prime example of the bizarro fiction genre. My first introduction to this strange literary realm came via Shatnerquake, the tale of the real William Shatner attempting to escape assassinations by incarnations of the fictional characters he has portrayed throughout his career. In my stunned state following its completion I ventured further down the rabbit hole and this is where I ended up.
Kidland used to be a wonderful place. Peaceful and serene, its inhabitants pursued lives of happiness and eternal youth, sunshine and joy. Until the Ass Goblins came. Descending from the skies in legions of Nazi spacecraft, these lumbering, depraved beasts and their leader, Adolf, enslaved the children and put them to work in the massive prison camp known as Auschwitz.
The children’s’ new lot in life is not enviable in the slightest. Stripped of all personal identity, they are reduced to mere numbers. Their daily routine begins with parading themselves for the Ass Goblins, being anally probed in turn until one unlucky wretch is selected to be added to the vat of cider which keeps the Goblins in high spirits. Breakfast follows, dining on the skin of dead children and aided in this process by the toilet toads. If the children are fortunate enough to avoid invoking Shit Slaughter they are then assigned to their daily workload. Perhaps they’ll find themselves building ass dolls or bicycles for the amusement of their hideous masters. Maybe it’s off to the surgery to remove any ‘imperfections’ the Ass Goblins may not approve of. Either way, the joys of Kidland are long gone. Reality is now a world of black snow, consisting of swastika-shaped flakes.
In the midst of this nightmare we are introduced to 999 and 1,001, a pair of conjoined twins – it’s a measure of the Ass Goblins’ utter contempt that they didn’t even bother to sequentially number the two of them. Despite sharing a body, the twins are quite different with 1,001 rigidly conforming to the rules of Auschwitz in order to avoid indescribable Shit Slaughter while 999 dares to dream of escape and a better tomorrow. Unfortunately for them the camp commandant, left in place of the mysteriously absent Adolf, takes an interest and assigns them to the surgery to be separated. But it’s not just separation which awaits them, rather a Mengelian experiment to improve upon their design and discover a way to achieve eternal childhood for the Ass Goblins. Hanging from his chains, gazing in horror at his new form, 99 realises that he must somehow rise up and defeat the Ass Goblins once and for all. The question is, will he have to do this alone or can he find some allies?
Ass Goblins Of Auschwitz is, as you have surely guessed by now, far from a conventional read. A novella rather than a full length book, it nevertheless manages to cram a wealth of ideas and outright oddities between its pages. Despite the description above, Pierce manages to avoid slipping into weirdness for weirdness’ sake – no, seriously! – and has a lot to say underneath the mountains of shit and dead kids. Somehow, miraculously, Ass Goblins manages to worm its way into your brain and the bizarre storyline becomes as thought-provoking as it is stomach-churning. Through his transformation from slave kids to Ass-Goblin chimera 999 struggles with his sense of self-worth, his devotion to his brother and fellow slaves, and his desire for personal freedom and self-preservation. This conflict forms the heart of the book and the fecal fantasies are merely the catalyst to move it all along.
Of course you can also simply read it at face value, in which case Ass Goblins Of Auschwitz will either have you laughing your ass off (hehe) or make you swear off books forever. Hopefully it’s the former because this is a truly unique read and a wonderful introduction to the world of bizarro fiction, confidently written and flowing well from start to finish. And seriously – Shit Slaughter.